As our parents age, we tend to find ourselves helping out more and more. Sometimes our help comes with formidable resistance from Mom or Dad. But how do you know if our help is enough and when to seek assistance from someone more qualified? One thing to ask yourself is how much time are you spending as the primary caregiver for Mom, Dad or a family member? Is your time being consumed at the expense of your personal relationships, career or perhaps even your physical – emotional health?
Did you know that 80% of family caregivers report feeling overwhelmed by the act of being a caregiver and that 50%of adult children report missing work due to caregiving of an aging parent?
Health Care professionals refer to this as “caregiver burden” caused by the stress and challenges of being the primary caregiver. What’s more there’s a hefty toll that can impact the caregivers own health and just as often, adversely affect family relationships too.
The burden gets much worse when it is an aging spouse who provides the care. According to the American Medical Association, there’s 63% increase in the likelihood of suffering a fatal event caused by the stress of being the primary caregiver as an older adult.
One of the biggest challenges is to know the five signs to look for when an aging parent needs help and then, getting Mom or Dad the right kind of help. According to the Mayo Clinic the things to watch out for are (1) weight loss (2) decline in appearance or hygiene (3) home safety including falls (4) difficulty with transportation and (5) reduced physical mobility. There are other factors to take into consideration such as your geographic proximity to your parent’s location or changes in their health that might require closer monitoring. The addition of Dementia or Alzheimer’s may also affect how much time or attention is really required especially as their condition worsens.
If you’ve come to the conclusion that Mom or Dad needs more help than you can or are available to give, then the next hurdle is starting a conversation about what kind of help they might benefit from. But “how exactly” do you get Mom or Dad to accept help? From your parents perspective it might feel like you’re taking away their independence rather than freeing them up from tasks that have become a burden for them or you. Getting started on conversations like this usually begins only after a crisis has already occurred, not before. And with a crisis, the very freedom and independence your parents so fiercely want to retain is taken away from them, often permanently!
Do you remember the old saying “proper planning prevents problems?” It’s not a bad idea to contact your parent’s physician, their church or other organizations who’ve dealt with situations just like yours. When contacting a family physician tell them what’s changed with Mom or Dad and what you think might be needed. Your parents may take the word of a physician or clergyman over you (no disrespect). You may wish to ask for a referral to a Gerontologist in your area who might better understand what your parents may be facing.
There are also a number of non-profit or governmental organizations such as Family Caregiver Support Program (FCSP) that offers support services to family caregivers of persons age 60 and older, or adults of any age with dementia. Learn more by visiting the Eldercare Locator at: www.eldercare.gov .
Consider too, getting the support of folks that Mom or Dad most trust or admire. That means taking the time to discuss with them what you feel is needed and what they can do to help. Along the way, you will want to interview a few in-home assisted living agencies such as Senior Helpers www.seniorhelpers.com to get an idea of the depth of services they provide, their core competencies and availability. If finances are an issue, you may want to read next month’s issue on new, creative ways to pay for in-home care, with little to no money out of your pocket. Veterans and spouses of Veterans will find this article especially helpful.
Time is of the essence, start talking to Mom or Dad today, they may surprise you and agree to accept help. If they’re resistant and you objectively feel they could use help, start a dialog with their physician, clergy or reach out to their friends. Do a little research, 15 minutes a day can add up to hours of knowledge before there’s a major event that requires costly or hasty action.
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